Eat your fucking heart out;

You know that ache you get after a huge shit, or after you just had a really big cock in you (in the vag, not the poop chute)? Yea, I have both of those right now. My silky igloo is really achey and my ass is sore-and I havnt had sex in over 2 months, nor do I use toys, nor do I need to poo. So why do I feel like I just took the great american challenge?

( Snot even funny.  )

this is more a question than a story - hope you don't mind!

A couple of weeks ago I had my period and used tampons as normal. I know you're not meant to leave tampons in overnight because it's too long but I always do it as otherwise I wake up in a bloodbath.

So that morning I was v sleepy cauz I got woken up and went to the bathroom. I realised I already had blood on my pad so the tampon must've been full but I think I couldn't find the string or was lazy so decided to go back to sleep.
When I woke up again a couple hours later and back to the loo I searched for aages for it and just couldn't find it at all.

How many people has this happened to? From what I read people seem to say that it only gets stuck if you have sex or inserted a second one or did some rough exercising - as I didn't do any of that what are the chances it fell in the toilet (though I'm pretty sure it didn't) I took it out (again pretty sure I didn't) or didn't insert it (pretty sure I did..)

As you can see I'm only pretty sure about everything not 100% - I'm on holiday for another 2 weeks so really dont wanna go to the doc, and even when am back i'd rather not ;)

Earlier today, I had a small handful of dried apricots for lunch. Little did I know, hours later, I would get the bloating of my life. So you know, I have never been bloated like this ever from dried apricots, let alone just a few of them. But I know it was the apricots, as it was all I had to eat at that point.

Anyhoo. Hours of this insane bloating pain goes by. It's like I ate the antithesis of prunes. But, thinking they come from the same family of fruit, you would just shit the pain away, but not in this case. Holy crap, not even a bottle of Bean-o could save me. And then the farting starts (luckily this happens when I get home, as the bloating all occurred when I was at work).

And I fart.

And I fart.

And I fart.

And I fart.

And I fart.

This literally goes on for hours. Seriously, farting non-stop, for hours. I take trips from my room to the bathroom (as I'm afraid at times something may cause mud-butt), avoiding my roommates because I don't want them to smell all the flatulence that is coming out of me. At times while on the pot, little specks of fiber city fly out of my ass, like G-force winds pushing them out. And I know, that if I hold it in, I'm fucked. It'll just gurgle about in my abdomen for hours like some rancid alien stomach version of a chest-burster just dying to get out, and the pain will be even worse than before. Frankly, there's no choice, that fart has to come out. And then there are times when my ass is full of hot air, and it won't come out, and the pressure on the walls of my abdomen is so great, I also have no choice but to push that fart out, too. All kinds of fucked up sounds and smells, barreling out of my ass, whether I control it or not, just to get some sort of relief.

And finally, the pressure simmers down, and it's the best thing in the world. Holy crap, my ass hurts from some serious business going on down there, but frankly, I prefer it at this point.

MUST watch these videos...if you haven't already. They will crack you up. After I read the nicknames for vagina's and penis'. You guys have to love these videos!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqXi8WmQ_WM&feature=fvw


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uvfgCpq7pI



2 Girls 1 Cup song that he wrote: This video is the SHIT. Literally. You have to listen to this music video. You will laugh so hard.

http://www.youtube.com/user/jonlajoie#p/u/28/wxp3zqIqO68

Is there any correlation between vasovagal syncope and IBS? I haven't been diagnosed with IBS, so I don't know if it's what I have. BUT i DO know that since I was 13 I feel the need to be anxious over whether or not I'm going to have the runs at inopportune times because it frequently happens. Also, not unlike many times, I've been pooping rabbit turds for the last couple days. Despite my good ol' college tries, I just poop rocks, rocks, and more rocks.

Just a few minutes ago, however, I pooped a ton. Which made me feel like I was about to pass out. Usually when I feel this way, I freak out like a dummy, jump up from the toilet, wash my hands (I'm the product of a germaphobe), and try to make it to the nearest bed to lie down. I never make it. I always pass out. Fortunately though, tonight I was smart. I said, "Dummy, you're fine. Stick your head between here and here *points to knees* and relax." I waited for the feeling to pass, and then got the hell out of the bathroom.

I'm seeing my PCP in a week or 2. But I wanted to post this here too because I often wish my body decided to be normal for a change. Posting here reminds me I'm not alone. It's nice.

So, what are your favorite euphemisms for genitalia? Being FTM, I am fond of "manhole", but I also like "downtown bonanza".

ETA Of course, it's only the morning after that I remember that my favorite word for a penis is "schwanz".

You know what sucks.
Pooping after anal sex.
You feel like you are passing this massive poop when you really just push out a pebble or maybe some lube/mucus!

I have a new job (yay!) as a dentist assistant. Mild TMI's.... but TMI's all the same.


Last week a guy got bridgework done. His teeth were in AWFUL condition, and a couple of them were implants. He wanted them OUT and wanted himself some better looking "teeth".

I get to hold the suction tubey. So I get a front row seat to the grossness. The dentist numbed the guy up, and went to work. She started drilling on this one tooth in particular, and all of a sudden... it fell apart. Just FELL APART. The dentist (of course) has seen this about 8 billion times, but she must have seen my eyes do this move: O.O and laughed to herself. But when the tooth "debris" was taken out... sticking out of the gums... was a metal screw. She took tweezers, and just slid it out. My stomach genuinely flipped 3 times. But I was fine. That's about the worst I've seen so far.

Tomorrow I think I'll be seeing my first extraction, which I'm nervous about. Apparently it's pretty disgusting. But once I get through that I think I'll be able to get through anything. As of now, the only thing that I absolutely cannot look at is the numbing needle. It's too gigantic and horrifying. The drilling, picking, etc, etc, I can do. Just not the shots.

anachronistic's post about decay reminded me of this incident...

Once upon a time, my husband and I were so poor that in a moment of desperation we moved in with his parents.  We were given one room in which to live (his childhood bedroom).  After a few weeks, we asked if we could perhaps use the closet in that room too (his mother had it full of useless junk).  I volunteered to help her clean it out.  I found a coffee can in the bottom of the closet, and curious about the contents, I shook it.  It rattled.  I thought perhaps it was full of pennies or childhood toys or something.  I opened the can to discover that I was, unfortunately, wrong.

Cat turds.
Old, fossilized cat turds.

WHY why whyyy someone would save cat poop in a coffee can for heaven knows how many years, I will never understand.  At this point, I decided I didn't really need the closet THAT badly and abandoned the project.  *shudder*

Something is making my laundry come out of the washer smelling like spooge.

The only thing I can think of is the oxyclean. Unless my guys developed a washer fetish in the past two weeks and started using the bleach dispenser cup for their own personal use.

My hubby and I have decided we're going to start trying to have kids, and I've been reading about red raspberry leaf tea and how it's really good to tone the uterus for labour. I also read somewhere that it can help with menstrual cramps, so while I had some rather horrible cramps this past period I drank the tea. And I've read that it helps the uterus shed the lining more effectively and some people have a brown discharge before/after their regular period.

Now I don't know if it actually was the tea or if my body is just being weird this month (it's been doing some pretty funky things for the past 3 months or so) but my period ended Saturday so I stopped using my cup, and haven't been using pads because I'm lazy. There's no need anyway because what's happening isn't ended up in my panties, but every time I wipe there's brown fleshy type stuff. It's been getting lighter in colour, not as brown, but it's been going on since Sunday. This morning when I got up I peed, like normal but when I wiped there was a dime size clump of tissue on the tp. I should have taken a picture but I was still half awake so it ended up in the toilet. I'm wondering when my body is going to stop expelling tissue like this....

I give you a story from my sister:

My sister has spent the past few weeks cleaning out her (deceased) mother-in-law's townhouse, which recently sold. Most of what was left there were big items like furniture, but there were still some little treasures stuffed in forgotten drawers and cupboards. While digging around in the bedroom closet, she unearthed two ancient bottles of champagne, one from 1979 and the other from 1984. She blew the dust off them and decided to take them home with her. On New Year's Eve, she and her husband decided to open them up and see whether they were any good. While she guessed the odds wouldn't be in their favor, she was unprepared for the hilarity that would ensue.

My sister's husband decided to try the 1979 bottle first. When he went to take the cork off like normal, he was surprised to find that it broke in two pieces in his hands. One part of the cork fell on the table, while the other half slid down into the bottle and got stuck. He took a metal fondue spear and tried to stab it, but the little cork bit ended up falling into the liquid. Undaunted by this (and just really curious), he poured a glass. The liquid that came out smelled like stale vinegar, and --- according to those present --- was light green colored and had little chunks floating in it. Needless to say, nobody wanted to see what it tasted like! They also opened the 1984 bottle, and the result was similar though a little less epic.

I totally wish I had been there, since I would have FOR SURE grabbed my camera to document this!

So...does anyone else have any disgusting stories about finding ancient foodstuffs? For some reason, I've always been really fascinated (yet horrified) by the idea of finding long-expired food and then getting to play with it. Please do share!

2amtomorning
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I have a buttload of piercings in my ears. I don't always use the best earrings.
A few days ago one started bothering me. I removed the stud and let it breathe.
Two days later it is a black, angry mass begging for some peroxide and a nice sister to coax and squeeze gory awesomeness out of it.

I could feel it throbbing.
( pic )

Needless to say, my ear feels much better.

I love the smell of my sweaty feet and the smell of my sweaty butthole. Sometimes I wipe my butt when it isn't necessary just to smell the toilet paper. I also love the smell of my semen, and I smell it all the time after I had an orgasm. Maybe that's how my fondness developed, can you spell "classical conditioning"? Oh it's fun being a psychology nerd.

So, here I am in bed, barely awake. You know how when you first wake up the bed is like super soft and the blankets are nice and snug and warm around you? Like it's just bliss to lay there and know you don't have to get up for anything, that you could stay there allllll day long. Well that's how I was this morning. It was going great and I was almost drifting back to sleep when my stomach started cramping and it was like "OMFG GET TO THE BATHROOM NOW!" So yeah...I jump up, fling the door open and run into the hallway. I had gone to bed the night before with just a nightgown on and no underwear; I wanted to let my ladybits breathe while I slept.

Well when I got to the doorway to the bathroom I had to step over a baby gate (because of my dog) and it was too much for me apparently. Yup...I shit on the floor in TWO places! I finally plop down on the toilet and shit my brains out. Looking on the floor the poop looks like running soft serve and smells God awful, just like what I was currently doing on my 'throne'. I clean it up and then try to wipe myself but...ew it gets all over the TP and my hand. It's like I have chocolate pudding smeared on my ass.

So I get up, flush and hop into the shower. It took me 10 minutes in the shower just to get all the shit off me. By that time my hair was wet so I just decided to finish my shower. Ugh! It was so disgusting! I'm glad my husband was asleep because he would have made fun of me like the little asshole that he is. But not to say that I wouldn't if he were in my shoes because I so would have!